N is for nappies

Let's talk nappies! Right from the beginning of pregnancy with Ellie, I was determined to use cloth. It was something I wanted to do, for the environment, and because I think they're marvellous. I signed Mr Fork and I up for workshops and did endless research online about what sort to use, which brands were better and the must have accessories to go with them (handy hint, a little squirt or home made equivalent will save your sanity!). I stalked the companies I was interested in to make sure that I bought at the best time and got the biggest bargains going. I've written a post about things I'd wish someone had told me about cloth nappies before.

Some of Ellie's early nappies

I should just lay it out there: with a newborn, you are going to get poop on you. It is just inevitable. Sure it's gross, but you get used to it, after all, there are lots of terrible things that could get on you, and you are washable. If you get used to touching poop, then it's just one more step to rinse it off and wash the poop catchers. Babies need quite a lot of washing done anyway I found. It's just as easy to clean a few extra items since I'd be in the laundry so much.

Minkie nappies - so soft and colourful!

When we started daycare, that was one of the questions that I asked every centre: were they happy to change my daughter's cloth nappies? All of them were fine with it, but they wouldn't rinse the nappies, just throw them in the bucket I provided. That was fine with me, even if it did add an extra task to my days (ever tried to rinse off dried on poop? It's pretty gross). Anyway, Ellie was in cloth nappies full time until probably her first birthday when her day care said she was just holding on too long and wetting through too often. I kept her in cloth at home for awhile longer, and then folded to peer pressure from Mr Fork and allowed him to switch her to disposable. Much like the breast vs bottle debate, I know that there is no one solution that fits everybody and I will do what suits my family best at the time.

I have kept my stash of beautiful cloth nappies (and flats too!), and Attila will also wear them when big enough (I tend to grow small babies).

I do love the look of a little baby with a big fluffy cloth bum.

Do you use cloth nappies, either full time or otherwise? Any tips?

M is for mothering

Lately, as I have begun to slow down a bit with this pregnancy, I have often wished that I had someone nearby that I could just call up and say, 'hey, please come and watch Ellie for me while I sleep and lie down and rest while Attila squirms around'. Even in the early days with the constant seasickness of nausea when I couldn't tell anyone yet, I just lay on the couch or bed and had toys strewn around for Ellie while I tried to ride through the waves of sickness because there was no one that I could call for that kind of help.

Mr Fork has had to do a few overnight trips lately too, and at seven-plus months pregnant with Attila, it has been difficult to manage these on my own. It hurts to bend and pick up Ellie. I am tired and sore and bad tempered. Showering is hard enough for just me, let alone cleaning a small person who just wants to be picked up and danced madly around in the water too.



A little out dated now, but you get the idea

At times like those, I miss my mother. I don't often speak about her, but during this time she is often on my mind, especially when I have questions that my dad can't answer. Like, how long was she in labour? Was breastfeeding easy for her? When did I walk? What was my first word? Did she get nauseous? Was her second pregnancy easier? I get so jealous when people talk about being pregnant and how ill they feel but luckily they have their mother over to help watch the toddler and to clean and cook and ensure that they were sent to bed to rest in peace. And how hard it all is. Hard? 'Hard' is having to suck it up because no one can come over and help you. And you have to do the cooking and cleaning and mothering and wife-ing while sick and large because there isn't anyone else. But that's my problem, not theirs… because really, it's just me being jealous about how lucky they are. And sometimes... it's lovely having a limpet like toddler who must sleep touching you. Other times, I'd love to have some space to just lie down and let the stress of the day drain away in solitude.

My own personal limpet

Mr Fork has always said his mother would come and help me if I asked. I know she would too. But really, I'd be too uncomfortable to whine to her like I could to my own family. I couldn't ask her to clean or pick up the detritus of the house. My dad and stepmother are too far away to ask, although I know they would if they could too (although it would kill them to have to say no, so I would never even voice it). There is no friend I have who I would feel comfortable asking to come and see me naked in the shower (Ellie likes company when she washes) and help me shower Ellie and I, or to put their own busy life on hold to help. So I just… don't. I put up… and until now, I've shut up.

Let's be clear, Ellie is not deprived of love. She has so many people who adore her, and she has Mr Fork's mother, and my stepmother, so she has grandmothers. But my mother has not met her. She has not acknowledged she has a grandchild, and another one on the way and that just kills me. It especially kills me because pregnancy makes me long for my mother, and I can't imagine ever not wanting Ellie and Attila in my life. So I have to conclude that it is my mother who misses out on their fabulousness and all the wonder of watching them grow up. And I will have to live with being a motherless mother. Most of the time, that's ok, I can deal with it.

My children though? They will never know what that feels like. I will make sure of it. I will be there for them and bear witness to all the gladness and sadness of their lives. That is what mothering is. Unconditional love. Selflessness. Acceptance of limpet like cuddles and that your life isn't actually all your own anymore.

L is for Laughter

Laughter... I really do think it's the best medicine there is. The day that I first heard Ellie laugh was magical. It was just a little chuckle while we were playing, but I froze for a moment and when I looked at her, she was just all lit up with pure joy. I actually have an audio recording on my phone of one of her first laughs. It cracks me up even now. I was making kissing noises and kissing her toes and tummy and she lost the plot. She was laughing her baby laugh so hard that she was snorting at the same time. It's adorable!

 

As her mama, I love finding the things that make her laugh. Now, she chuckles with glee at lots of things.

• She loves tickles. Both being tickled, and "tickling" you. More often than not her tickles are actually pokes and pinches, but she is trying and so I laugh for her because I know the intention is there. We are also staying strong with teaching boundaries and are careful to stop or be stopped if the word is given.
• She loves texture. Blankets and jackets and soft teddy bears rubbed on her cheek are delightful.
• Great delight is also taken in blowing raspberries onto my belly and talking to her "brovver". 
• She is so active. She loves going to the park and swinging, using the slides and throwing herself around. She loves playing catch, dancing to something with a beat (Pharrell's 'Happy' is a constant winner). She will also come to you and ask to be swung around, flung upside down or carried for a piggy back ride. She loves hide and seek and peekaboo, especially when she thinks she is getting the better of you and you can't find or see her. All of these things produce gorgeous giggles (mostly minus the snorts these days).

 

I also think that laughter is healing and definitely helps break up some of the stress that parenting can bring. Especially in the early days of motherhood (oh how I try not to think of those too much, especially with Attila so close now), things just happen, and if you don't laugh at yourself, you might end up crying. Here are a couple of my pearlers:

• Wrangling new born Ellie and I into fresh clean outfits, then having her simultaneously throw up on me and create a poopsplosion that her nappy and outfit couldn't contain. Realising that the shirt I was wearing had to be removed over my head and was now covered with excretion from each end...
• Sleep deprived and home alone with Ellie after Mr Fork had exhausted his paternity leave. She wouldn't stop crying. After trying everything, I wrapped her against me and she finally slept, but all attempts to lay her down were futile. I ate lunch standing up, swaying from side to side with toast crumbs raining down on to her bald-ish little head, laughing like a loon. Mr Fork came home to find me still pacing manically around the house, Ellie sleeping quietly and innocently.
• Finally getting some much needed shuteye, only to hear Mr Fork scream with what I can only describe as horror, and yell for assistance. Dash into the nursery to see him (and half the room including the rug) coated with poop. Obviously Ellie was not done and when he'd lifted her to change the nappy over, she'd taken advantage of the angle and let loose. Oh the horror.

Then there's the things that Ellie does both intentionally and unintentionally that make us laugh, such as:

• The way she calls her dressing gown 'kitty' (it's a hello kitty one). And she can't quite pronounce kitty so it sounds a bit rude.
• When she does something naughty and realises I'm unhappy with her - she'll throw herself at me shouting "Sowwy! Cuddle!" then clasp me in a toddler death grip. It's all I can do not to smother her with kisses but instead accept her apology with dignity.

What has made you laugh lately?

K is for Keeping it Real

There are a lot of comparisons to be made when you have children, especially when you start to compare the specifics. I sometimes think that mamas are our own worst enemies with this. We like to talk about our children, and inevitably the talk often turns to whose baby is doing what and when (read more about why I threw development milestones out the window here). Sure, some babies sleep like little angels right from the beginning. Some get into a great routine first thing. Some slot right into your life easily. Some toilet train like a dream. And then, some don't. No two babies are going to be exactly the same, just the way that no two adults are going to be the same.

Sure, Ellie is generally a great child, but she's definitely not great all the time. I had some friends around for afternoon tea a few weeks ago, and they were there when Ellie woke from her midday nap. She was in a clingy, screaming, totally age appropriate mood… and they had never seen her like that. They commented that she was usually so good and all I can say is that, yes, it takes a lot of effort to help her appear that way. If I know we are going somewhere, I can prepare as much as possible. I can try to align sleep times, make sure she is fed, changed and has plenty of snacks and entertainment packed for distractions. The public, prepared Ellie is very different from the everyday at home Ellie. And that's ok, but it was just a shock to people who hadn't seen her that way.

 

And that is exactly what I'm talking about. I think that as parents, we need to keep it real and support each other. Absolutely, brag if your child does something marvellous, but share the daily grind stuff too. If one was to only focus on what gets posted on social media, it could make us feel a little inadequate and like we aren't doing a good job (or is that just me?!). I don't always have time to do daily craft activities, whip up gourmet treats, create intellectual stimulation, clean the house and socialise constantly while having everyone look impeccably groomed. Yes, I do go out in public with dirty hair and no makeup, wearing (shock!) a tracksuit.

The types of blogs and pages I follow are the ones that share the parenting journey warts and all. There are several reasons for this:
 

• It makes me feel like what I'm doing is ok
• If I'm having a bad day, it helps to feel that I'm not alone
• I don't like to read about how everything is perfect all the time, because how will I know how to handle it when things go wrong otherwise?

The types of stories I share on my blog hopefully reflect that my life isn't perfect – and I don't want it to be! Let's normalise what having a family is like and keep it real!

Do you have a favourite blogger who manages to make you laugh and feel like you're handling things ok? I'd love to hear about them!

J for Juggling

Sometimes I think that motherhood is one intricate juggling act. It's a delicate balance of making sure there is enough of you to go around while being a super mum, a loving wife, a strong career woman, a good friend and trying to get a little personal time in there as well. But can we really have it all? And if we can, is it even worth it?

Before baby, I worked as an IT consultant. I did, and still do love my job. I worked long hours. When clients said jump, I said how high, and worked the time needed to deliver exceptional results. I would travel all the time, and happily live out of a suitcase and eat hotel meals for months. And then I got pregnant. And I had Ellie. Suddenly my priorities changed. We never had titles where I work. We fill whatever role needed, whether that was a manager, a tester, an analyst or something else. Now, as I tell everyone, the title that gives me the most pride and joy is "mama".

Coming back to work was a huge adjustment. A spot at daycare came up when Ellie was seven months old and I took it, because everyone knows you don't turn down your daycare of choice. I'm not going to lie, there were tears from her, and lots from me too. It was really hard to leave her with someone else after I'd spent the last seven months living and breathing her. It was really hard to come back to work while I was still breastfeeding and deal with everything that involved, from logistics through to clothing. It was excruciating not being able to see my mother's group whenever I wanted, as we splintered into the 'mamas who work' and 'mamas who don't' groups. It was just a frame of reference as those who hadn't gone back to work didn't really understand what it meant. It was hard to hear about what the mamas at home were doing when I was at work away from my baby.

I'll be honest though. It wasn't all doom and gloom. At work, I get to mentally stretch myself. I get to eat my lunch without sharing, and I get to go to the toilet whenever I want without someone trying to unroll all the toilet paper. I can leave the room and no one screams in outrage and demands to be carried. However, I don't really travel now, although I have done a couple of short trips for a few nights. In those cases, I Facetime with Mr Fork so I can talk to Ellie when she wakes and before bed. I don't work the long hours anymore, and I don't go to as many functions as quite frankly, I'd rather be home spending quality time with my family. So life has changed. Obviously for the better!

Mr Fork and the hounds are very understanding, as a change in my routine inevitably means a change in theirs. We have all had to make adjustments and take extra responsibility to make it happen. At the beginning we were all so exhausted that we would practically fall asleep in our dinner (which we all would eat at separate times anyway). Now, we have it down pat. I will get Ellie going for the day and we will eat breakfast together while Mr Fork works out and then gets ready for work. He will dress Ellie and help brush her teeth while I get ready. When I'm ready, I will pack her daycare bag and he will go to work. Ellie and I play at home and then we're out the door by 7:15. Mr Fork picks her up at 4:30, empties her dirty nappy bucket and gives her a bath. If he gets time, he will start dinner based on our meal plan or I do it when I get home around 5:30 on a good day. Somehow everyone is fed in the storm of evening activity, and Ellie is in bed by 7. Then we have a chat and catch up on our day. Rinse and repeat each day.

I am back at work 3 days a week, and I resent it when someone says I only work three days. No, actually, I work full time, seven days a week. I only get paid for three of them. I know which days are my favourite ones though.

Life is very busy now, in ways I never expected. People think that on my days off, I can swan off to the hairdressers and just get things done. I can't. My day works around Ellie's routine. Let me tell you, my 14 month old wouldn't sit still long enough to let me get my hair dressed. I can't take her lots of places for the same reason. My days not at work are spent playing with Ellie, because that's her job and because I enjoy watching her discover new things. There is no *me* time and some days, I breathe a sigh of pure relief when Mr Fork comes home. Some days I wonder where all the time went because it just speeds by. 

Look at that face! Why would I want to miss moments like this?

Weekends we have swimming lessons and then commitments vary. This time of year is very busy with lots of social gatherings bus usually weekend days are a little more relaxed. I sometimes even get to spend a few extra minutes in bed while Mr Fork entertains Ellie and brings me a coffee. Those few minutes help me keep sane and remember that I am more than a wife and a mother and an employee. It reminds me to take a few moments and just focus on me. And, it's lovely. But nowhere near as lovely as cuddles from my husband, child and furbabies. Life might be busy, and it might be a big juggling act, but I wouldn't swap it for anything.

How do you juggle everything that needs to happen in your life? Do you have help?

I for Intuition

When I was small, I thought that my mother was magic. If I was hurt, she could make it all better with a kiss and she seemed to have eyes in the back of her head… she just knew when I was up to no good! Now that I'm a mother myself, I realise that my mother was probably just as scared as I was half the time. That she couldn't magically make things better but the simple act of her acknowledging my hurt usually took most of the sting away. That I wasn't half as good as lying to her as I thought I was and she didn't even need a second set of eyes to catch me out.

Ellie often thinks she is being discrete when she does something, but discretion couldn't be further from the truth. I'm teaching her to play hide and seek at the moment, and sometimes her idea of hiding is to turn her back on me. I guess the old "if she can't see me, I can't see her" trick!

Anyway, the point of this post is intuition. Strange as it may seem, mamas just have it. I don't know when it turns up, probably about the same time as the hormones. When I was still pregnant, I just knew I was having a girl. Mr Fork was certain it was a boy, but I knew my Ellie bean was in there.

When she was just a few days old, we had been home from hospital for two days. I still didn't have the feeding down yet, and she was so new that she didn't have a routine, so nothing stood out, but I just knew something wasn't right. We ended up in hospital. She had very bad jaundice and they ended up having to intubate her and feed her through her nose. It was heartbreaking to see her looking so tiny and helpless and attached to machines under that blue light. We spent several nights back in the children's hospital but I'm so glad I followed my gut and took her there. She's been to hospital since then, but that first time was especially wrenching.

Mr Fork and I have a fairly relaxed parenting style. We basically follow Ellie's cues – if she's hungry, thirsty, tired, wants affection or help, she lets us know. Some things though, she can't cue us into, because she doesn't understand yet. And that's also where the intuition kicks in. Maybe it's because she and I shared a body for 9 months that it happens. When she was small, I just knew when she needed feeding, or comfort. If she was about to wake up, often I could be there just as she was wriggling around to look for me. Mr Fork sometimes says I'm coddling her, but I don't think of it like that. I think of it as giving her support until she's confident to do things her own way.

Sometimes, I think parents can get into the mindset that doctors, daycare people, teachers and other people know best because they deal with children all the time/had children before/speak loudest. I say, no one knows your baby better than you do. Especially when they can't talk yet, we need to listen to them (however they communicate) as well as to our intuition.

I'm happy for people to give me advice, but I will choose which of that advice I listen to. The person who counts, the person who knows best, is Ellie. She tells me what she needs to be a cheerful, thriving and confident person. I think she's doing it fabulously!

Do you trust your intuition?

H for habits

When Ellie was still brand new and we were still in the getting to know each other phase, I joined a mother's group. It was one of the best things I did as a new mother, because it gave me something to commit to once a week (therefore making me leave the house), and it allowed me to connect with other new mothers in exactly the same situation as me. The mother's group I joined was one organised by a community health nurse, so for the first four weeks, we had someone come and talk to us about various topics, provide some gentle education and generally make us all feel that we were doing a good job and all these new feelings and emotions were completely normal.

One of the things the nurse said sticks with me through until now, almost a year later. I'm paraphrasing, but it went along the lines of, there is no such thing as a bad habit. You simply raise your child in a manner that you can accept. That resonated with me. How often has someone told you to put your baby down and let her cry herself to sleep? That, if you go and pick her up or rock her when she is sleepy, she is just manipulating you? Children are only small for a short time. They are born innocent and don't understand the concepts of 'winning' or 'manipulation'. A baby will cry because it needs something and why should you feel guilty for holding her and providing comfort if they ask the only way they know how to?

I have used that as my parenting mantra… that it is all about the habits that I am prepared to accept. There was a time when Ellie would only fall asleep during the day if she was lying on me. I loved that time, it was lovely to have that close connection and watch her peacefully dream and sleep in my arms. After a week or so when I hadn't gotten anything done because I was watching her sleep and couldn't move around, that habit stopped working for me… so I started to transition her to something else and found another sleeping habit that worked for both of us.

Similar story with co-sleeping. We tried having Ellie sleep in the room with us, and it didn't work at all. She didn't sleep well, I didn't sleep well (although Mr Fork slept beautifully), and so we found a solution that worked for us. I am actually a little jealous of those that can make it work for them as it would make feeding and resettling overnight so much easier.

Ellie is going through a phase at the moment where she wants to be close to me  all the time. She is almost like a little barnacle - if she isn't being touched, she is unhappy. I know that there is advice out there that would say, teach her to be independent. But why should I, when she likes to be cuddled and I like to give cuddles? She learns by being with us and seeing the everyday things that we do. This is where baby wearing - wraps, slings and the Ergo come in ever so handy. She gets to be close, and I still get to go about my day and get things done. Win all around!

Another habit which I really love at the moment is what I have dubbed the "Ellie tax". Our morning routine goes a little like this: Ellie wakes up at 5, and I change her nappy then get her bottle ready. While she is drinking that, I make my breakfast and coffee and sit at the dining table. When she has finished her bottle she will walk over to me, raise her arms to ask to sit on my lap, where she will then proceed to talk to me and tax every third bite or so of what I am eating. Sure, it's probably not the best habit to get her into, but I love a few extra minutes of closeness in the morning, and I've noticed that she is getting much better utensil control because she can see how I feed myself (and her) from the correct perspective. She won't be small enough to sit on my lap forever (she is already half my height!) so I'm going to treasure it while I can. After eating my breakfast, she will move to her highchair and eat her own food (which she sometimes will generously share with me too).

So that's what I ask myself all the time now – is this a habit I can live with? Does it work for me? If not, how can I modify it so that it does?

Do you have any habits which mightn't be very conventional?

G for Gift Giving (for new mamas)

With Ellie's first birthday recently, I started reminiscing on where I was and what I was doing a year ago. It got me started on thinking about those first days after she was born – just how tired I was, and how tentative I was and how scary looking after my brand new daughter was. Some memories really stood out for me. I admit that I did a few things that with hindsight I wouldn't do again:

• We had guests and visitors galore, both at home and hospital, and those were frantic and hectic times instead of being a calm period spent getting to know Ellie. I would tell people to leave us alone for a few days
• I was stressed and I think that translated into lots of feeding difficulties as Ellie picked up on that. I would have been much more calm and zen had I been able
• When visitors did come, I didn't tell them when would suit me and let them come whenever. I ran around after them, getting them tea and letting them hold the baby – what I should have done was let them wait on me and accepted their (genuine) offers of help.

Gratuitous Ellie shot

All of this came to mind again as I've been invited to a baby shower in a few weeks and I'm pondering what to get the mama. You'd think having done it myself I'd have some ideas but I want to make sure I get her something useful.

 

I've already spoken about Mr Fork and my gift giving ideas for Ellie before, but I have some more ideas and baby related gift thoughts based on what I know now and what I would have wanted back then:

• If you visit a new mama, do not go empty handed. Those early days are scary, and you barely have time to think. Take her a home cooked meal, preferably one that can be eaten one handed. Pack her a few extra meals for the freezer if you're feeling generous. Or some snacks for when she's ravenous but can't leave the baby.
• If you genuinely want to help, that's a gift in itself. If someone had offered to hold Ellie while I had a quick shower, or used the bathroom or even had a 15 minute catnap I would have been delighted! I would have kissed the hand of someone who offered to put on a load of laundry, vacuum my floor or even just do a quick tidy of my kitchen.
• The friend who gave me a bag of baby essentials at my baby shower was onto a good thing. She gave me things based on what she knew I'd need, not just a bunch of cute things for baby. Her bag had panadol, nurofen, a bottle, a bottle cleaner, a little rattle, nipple cream, baby wash, powder, Eukybear rub… and so many other things I didn't know I'd need until I needed them! Don't get me wrong, I loved everything we got for Ellie, but really, she grows so fast did she need eleventy-billion dresses? Probably not. Especially when she lived in onesies…
• Something for mama. Not for right away of course, but when she's back in a routine. When you're pregnant, you're the centre of attention. People check your weight, constantly ask how you're feeling and gosh, even give up a seat on the bus for you. As soon as you have that baby, you're second fiddle, and it's a little bit odd. The doctor asks about baby, not you. Hospital is all about caring for the tiny human, no word for the person who grew them. So let mama know she's loved. Get her a spa voucher. Some tea just for her. Some special hand cream to guard against dryness from all the hand sanitiser.

So what am I going to get my pregnant friend? I'm thinking I'll make her a couple of meals for the freezer. A batch of lactation cookie dough which I'll also freeze ready for her to bake up as required. An eye mask for when those post baby hormones kick in and your eyes swell up from crying. And if I get the time, I might make her a wetbag as I know she's going to use cloth nappies.

 

Share with me, is there something you wish you'd gotten when you had baby? What do you like to give new parents?

F for Fun and Friends

When I was growing up, it was in a small town and I know that my parents trusted me implicitly. I was allowed to ride my bike to school and I never asked permission to do things, I just had to be courteous and let someone know what I was doing. I had my own key to the house since I was in primary school and I could be trusted to make simple meals by myself while aged in the single digits. Friends were the people we grew up around and it really was determined by location and nearness. This had me thinking about the friends that Ellie has now, how she came by them, and whether they’re friends she’ll keep when she’s older. Really, they’re the children of my friends. The people she goes to daycare with, and most importantly, the children of mothers in my mother’s group. Apart from my friends who live all over, for Ellie it’s also somewhat proximity based more than any real preferences from herself.

Ellie has just recently gotten to an age where she’s interested in interacting with other babies. Previously, if I’m honest, gatherings were more for the mother’s sake and we would all chat and compare notes while our babies sat still on a mat and gazed around them in wonder. Now, we still chat but we’re often interrupting ourselves to chase down a wayward crawling child, or instigate sharing when one child has snatched all the toys. It’s great that they’re now starting to interact with each other, but sometimes I’m just bamboozled with the things Ellie chooses to play with.
 

Her idea of fun is ripping up the junk mail. Pulling tissues out of a box one after the other. Examining each item in the (clean) recycling bin. Staring through the crimsafe and moving her head back and forth to make things fuzzy. Opening and shutting drawers… not taking anything out or looking in them – just opening and shutting them. Eating a leaf and pulling up handfuls of grass. Rolling around on the rug and studying lint. Which I think is just great for my wallet and appeals to my frugal side no end! Thinking about it more, I suppose that when everything is new to you, of course it’s amusing and interesting. It’s when you start to get a bit older and ‘wiser’ that things become mundane and jaded. I personally hope that Ellie keeps her sense of wonder with the world because I love seeing things through her eyes!

Of course, she has more traditional toys as well. Mr Fork and I generally ignore the age suggestions given and look more at what interests her when we’re choosing things.

Apparently this ball pit is for age 3+ but Ellie loves it anyway

As long as she’s not going to choke on any small pieces it comes down to judgement calls about what is suitable. It’s really hard when it comes to buying presents as there is SO MUCH COOL STUFF out there! We’ve had to put a system in place. Every occasion that Ellie gets gifts, we limit ourselves to a maximum of four things:

1. Something to read
2. Something to wear
3. Something she needs
4. Something to play with

We hope that this will do several things. Teach her the value of things. Help us save money by allowing us to buy things such as a school backpack in the future. Encourage a love of books. Making us carefully choose her presents as each one needs to count.

How does your child have fun with friends? How did they meet their friends?

E for Education

No I’m not talking which school your child will go to, but more like learning through play type education. I will probably be shot down for voicing this, but I sort of think of it as something similar to raising a puppy and the environmental enrichment you provide. Ellie is sometimes very much like a little pet – she follows people around the house, will bite Mr Fork’s toe if he pays more attention to his iPhone than to her, and thinks that everything in the house belongs to her.

Since she was very small, I have been quite particular about the type of play Ellie and I do. I much prefer her to have a mama who is there for her in each moment instead of putting her in front of the television or a piece of technology. I think it’s perfectly acceptable that if I play with my iPad that she be allowed to look at it too. Otherwise, why get it out in front of her? My preference though, is for active play, and to let her have toys that will let her learn through what she’s doing.

When she was smaller, her favourite toys were ones that had lots of textures and noises like her very hungry caterpillar. She also loved her mat which encouraged both hand/eye coordination and tummy time. 

Now she loves blocks and balloons (which if they aren't helium I enclose in a fabric cover so if they burst she can’t eat any pieces).

 

She also loves painting, dancing (either with me or by herself), anything soft and fluffy (including our hound!) and musical instruments. She has even become a bit creative in making music – she has a rattle and a little piano but Ellie loves beating two blocks together, or tipping everything out of her bucket and using that as a drum.

How do you enrich your child's environment?

D for Developmental Milestones

When I was pregnant, I had the ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ app on my iPhone and I got a real kick out of looking at it each week to see what fruit size my baby was at, and the developmental milestones that she was making in utero. That sort of consumed me while I was pregnant and I didn’t really read on much further – hence actually having a baby was a real shock! I mean, I knew I was pregnant; I knew what the end result would be but sort of glossed over having to give birth and all that came along with it.

Similarly, I also glossed over all the milestones that are associated with having a baby. Mr Fork and I didn’t get caught up in when Ellie would reach certain milestones at all, much to my consternation as I go back and retrospectively complete her birth book. I’m often heard going “Honey, when did Ellie first sit up on her own?” and likely the answer will be “I don’t know, just put down early May or something!”

Sitting so easily now it's hard to remember she didn't always do it!

That’s not to say that we didn’t do some research. I have a fabulous app called the Wonder Weeks  which has been pretty great. It works on the premises that as children grow, you can predict with some accuracy when they are going to make a mental development leap based on neurological changes. These changes generally mean that baby is exposed to so much new stimulus that they get grumpy and have regressions in previously learnt skills (such as sleep and independence!). In practical terms, we are able to recognise signs she is about to hit a ‘wonder week’, understand when Ellie has problems sleeping and is extra clingy, and in turn, help her to develop new abilities with targeted play and activities. The app isn’t specific and times though and generally gives a window of several weeks for things to happen.

So, we don’t generally push for Ellie to do things. We cheer her accomplishments, such as teeth, sitting, standing, sleep, the ability to give cuddles (yay!) or vocalise. What we don’t do is compare her to other baby’s progress. My thoughts are, when it comes down to it, who really cares when she walked? How long she was breastfed for? When she got all her teeth? Ate solids. Children do things in their own time when they are developmentally read for it, and it’s my job as a parent to be aware of that add support her through my actions.

Hence, I’m throwing developmental milestones and comparisons out the window and celebrating Ellie for herself! As long as she’s tracking nicely and staying in the right growth percentiles and continuously developing, I’m not worried about the specifics of when she does things. I know instinctively that my child is just fine, and when she’s ready, that’s when she’ll do things.

Do you adhere to developmental milestones or use them more as guidelines?

C for Career

I always thought that I'd be one of those women who had it all – the career, the baby – with ease. As an IT consultant, before baby, I used to travel a lot. I'm talking being away from home for over half a year. When I met Mr Fork, I was working in Sydney and coming back to Brisbane on the weekends. The first year of dating, we probably really only spent a couple of weeks together all up. When the travel lightened up and we started to cohabit, things got really interesting. I'm the die hard vegetarian (vegan at home) while he's the raging carnivore. I like to curl up with a good book and he likes to watch TV and mindlessly flip through the channels. I like to cycle, he turns green at the thought of getting on a bike. But we bond over a shared love of dancing, noodle dishes and The Big Bang Theory to name a few things.

We weren't trying to fall pregnant, but we weren't not trying either. We were delighted to find out we were going to have a baby and our little bean was loved as soon as we knew she was coming. In fact, our dogs knew I was pregnant before we did, morphing into clingy little furballs who couldn't get close enough to me. When I started to show, they loved lying against my tummy and taking turns with my daughter to kick each other through my tummy. That was fun, but they loved her before she was born too.

Happy family, Mr Fork remaining mysterious

I went back to work part time after 7 months off and things definitely changed. I'm not the dedicated worker that I once was. My company has never had titles for employees, so over the years I've been whatever I needed to be to get the job done: tester, project lead, senior consultant, trainer. Now, the title that brings me the most satisfaction? Mummy. I often tell me colleagues that I have a full time job and I come in to paid employment to have a break from it. It's a real treat getting to eat my lunch without sharing, leave the room without anyone screaming and use the bathroom whenever I want to!

My eyes have really been opened coming back to work though. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I get lots of looks as I pack up to leave at 5pm so that I get home in time to have dinner and cuddles with Ellie. I put up with comments like "she's a great consultant BUT she only works three days a week" or "so you only work 3 days a week and do nothing the rest of the time?" It's very hard to bite my tongue and not invite them over to do "nothing" with me.

 

Pumping at work was a challenge. It's difficult to find clothes that look business like but don't flash milk engorged breasts. Many businesses don't understand the legal requirements of breastfeeding mothers too, and often the facilities provided are not adequate or you're left with only a toilet as an option.

So yes, my eyes have been opened. I suppose also my priorities have changed, but being on the other side of the fence, I understand how hard it is to be a working mother. There is very little flexibility or understanding of my new life, especially in my very male dominated industry. With the election approaching, politicians are trying to win votes with their maternity leave policy, but that's only for the first six months of a child's life. If I ever win the lotto, I want to start a company where women are encouraged to return to work. With flexible working arrangements, a child friendly office location, onsite day care, and generous company maternity leave and return to work policies.

What about you? Does your workplace make it easy to be a working mum?

B for breast or bottle?

It's an old debate. What's the best way to feed your child? I've written a little about my experience here; so I won't go into it again.

What I will say is that there is no right answer. As long as mama is happy and baby is thriving then it's no one else's business. I will staunchly defend the right of women to feed the way they please. In the location and manner they please.

Having said that, like the scouts, the motto "be prepared" comes to mind. Pre-birth I was convinced I'd breast feed until my child weaned itself. I was therefore a little shocked when at my baby shower I was given a bottle cleaner and a bottle. "Just in case," said my friend (the only friend there who'd actually had a baby). I have to say, her bag of essential baby goodies was a lifesaver. I didn't think to stock up on all the things she included. But I was sure glad at the time to have those supplies. I also learnt that regardless of whether you'll breast or formula feed, bottles come in darn handy for storing expressed milk. And letting someone else feed bub so you can get some sleep (much needed sleep!).

There's a lot of judgement out there. It seems to start as soon as people find out you're pregnant and start offering stories and advice. Then when you have your baby, more advice comes pouring in, welcome or not. I sometimes think fellow mothers are our own worst enemy. Instead of unconditional support for each other there is a lot of judgement for other parenting styles. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world, and sometimes it feels like the least appreciated. What we need is support for whatever choices we make, as long as mama and baby well being is central to those decisions. I always remind myself that Ellie won't remember how she was fed. What she will remember is that she was loved and raised in a healthy and safe environment.

A for Actions and Awareness

As Ellie’s first birthday rapidly approaches, I wanted to do a series of posts about what I’ve learnt in my first year of motherhood. I’m going with a bit of a theme here, because there is so much I could talk about, so I’m going to restrict myself to twenty six topics, which I will dub my A to Z of having a baby. This also forces me to make sure I write more often. With that introduction, let me start with my first topic, A for Actions.

Before Ellie, I put a lot of thought into how I’d like to raise my child so that she would grow up strong, confident, sassy and independent. Mr Fork and I discussed our ideas and came to an agreement about the sort of environment we wanted our baby to grow up in. What it came down to for us was that we wanted to allow our daughter to grow able to express herself and know she was unconditionally loved and that her parents would meet and acknowledge her needs as required. Without knowing any terms such as ‘attachment’ or ‘responsive’ parenting we decided that we would be attentive to our child’s needs. If she cried, we would comfort her. If she was sleepy, we would let her sleep. If she was hungry/dirty/playful we would feed/clean/play with her. If she wanted closeness we would hold her. Simple right?

 Just because babies are so small, it doesn’t mean that they can’t communicate and make themselves understood. I believe that they can. In fact, one of the first things Ellie did after birth when we were having skin to skin time was to root around for a feed. She knew what she wanted and instinctively made it happen. She communicated her needs to me and she was only a few hours old! After she’d made her want known, I responded (with the midwife’s assistance) and let her feed. My actions demonstrated to her that I would answer her cries.

To me, actions speak louder than words. I remember being told that as a child and it’s stuck with me. I always try to act nicely, as well as speak and think nicely too. I don’t always succeed but I do try. Children learn through actions before words, so to them, the way you act is so important. I’ve spoken before about teaching boundaries and demonstrating through consistent actions that I support Ellie’s right to own her own feelings and responses. I believe completely that Ellie understands what is going on around her, and so we acknowledge that understanding and tell her what we are doing. We explain what is happening – that we are about to change her nappy, that we are going to daycare. We ask her questions and allow her to answer them in her own way: does she want to give daddy a kiss? Go to granddad for a cuddle? Is she hungry? Thirsty? We also respect her boundaries when she answers.

Don’t worry, I’m not crazy, I do know that children this young can’t talk. They can however, understand. And I know Ellie can communicate so to facilitate a method that is easy for everyone, we have been using some baby sign language since birth. Just for the key signs: hungry, thirsty, milk, book, mama, daddy, finished. I’m pleased to report that Ellie has started to sign them back now to indicate when she wants something. Yay! 

I guess the point of this post is that I wholeheartedly believe that actions do speak louder than words. That I need to show Ellie, by look, word and especially by deed that I’m on her side. That I listen to what she has to say and react appropriately – I’m aware of her and acknowledge her feelings and thoughts. I believe that children are always learning and I want my actions to be something my daughter learns from even before she learns to speak.

Do you ever have problems getting your actions and words in sync?