Dear Jimmy: Today you are 9 months old

I don't usually do these sorts of posts, but this is my last week of maternity leave and I'm feeling a bit emotional about going back to work and leaving Jimmy with someone who isn't me.

Dear Jimmy,

Today you are nine months old. You have now been on the outside longer than you were on the inside (by four days!). This photo was taken a few hours before you were born. I was 38+3 days pregnant and complaining about how uncomfortable I was at the most pregnant I had ever been. I'd tried a lot to encourage you to arrive, but you had your own schedule in mind.

You are standing now, and trying to walk by pushing things around the house. Ellie walked the week before her first birthday - I predict you will do it sooner. You babble constantly, although you have yet to say any recognisable words.

You are sleeping better (by your standards) and you're pretty consistent with timings now: in bed by 7pm, awake for a nurse around 11pm and 2am. You wake up with a roar at 5am and refuse to go back to sleep even though 5am is cold and dark. As soon as daddy picks you up and puts you in bed with me, you crawl over and raspberry my face. It's extremely cute if I overlook the fact that I wake up covered in your slobber. You often try to eat my face. I tell myself this is you learning to kiss me.

Your big sister adores you, and I know you adore her too, because when she comes near you, your eyes follow her around the room. You are the perfect pair - she is my picky eating child, and you devour what she will not. She loves nothing better than to shower you with kisses (and yes, occasionally she sits on you, but you don't seem to mind that too much).

You have two teeth now; you still think you can eat anything and usually you do. Your favourite things to eat are pear, banana, broccoli, avocado and biscuits. You might well turn out to be my vegetarian child after all! Of course, you are still an absolute breastmilk monster, which completely thrills me after all our troubles to establish nursing. Since you refuse to take a bottle or a cup, I will be pumping at work and asking your carers to stir it into your food while I can't be there with you.

You are so smiley. You love anything that makes music. You can't stand to be too far away from me so I have become accustomed to cooking while you systematically pull everything out of the cupboard I have allocated to you. You are still happiest when you are touching me and I am happy to oblige by wearing you often. I don't know how I will cope while I am at work and no longer the absolute centre of your universe.

In the nine months you have been with me, I have forgotten that I am a separate person to you, just as you will soon have to learn that you are a separate person from me.

The past nine months have been some of the hardest, and most sleep deprived of my life. Although sometimes your daddy gets demonstrably cross when you won't go to sleep, we both love you anyway. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

All my love,
mama

Morning tea with Medela

Jimmy, Ellie and I recently went to morning tea with Medela at the Brisbane Pregnancy, Babies and Children's expo.

I've talked a bit about my breastfeeding journey with Jimmy here. He is now eight months old and we are still going strong. I recall him being five weeks old and not knowing how I could keep going. When we went to have his tongue and lip ties corrected, I remember the dentist asking me how long I intended to breastfeed him for, and without needing any thought, I answered with "as long as he wants to". It's been a hard journey though, and I still constantly wonder if I'm doing a good job, if he's latching correctly, if I have enough milk, if he's getting too much/not enough... and so on. And yet... look at him!

He is obviously healthy, and happy, and doing well.., and if I have to co-sleep and feed him every few hours around the clock to keep him that way, then so be it. I won't sugar coat it though, it is hard! I just keep telling myself he is only little for such a short time, and to enjoy being his happy place. When I do go back to work, I know that my Medela Swing pump will help me provide Jimmy with milk for when I can't be there to feed him directly.

Anyway, this morning tea was a lovely supportive experience. It really showed me that there are organisations out there who are passionate and informative and so enthusiastic about helping mothers to be educated and supported to feed their babies.

Katie James, a midwife/lactation consultant who works for Medela spoke about the latest statistics and research about 'normal' breastfeeding... and really emphasised that there is no such thing! Some information that I found interesting (my emphasis) was:

• In Australia 96% of mothers choose to breastfeed their baby from birth. While this is a fantastic statistic, we see that rate drop dramatically in the first few months; in the second month full breastfeeding (this is where no other food or drink is fed to baby) rates have dropped to 57% and by 5 months under 30% are still fully breastfeeding.
• The most common reason given for mother’s ceasing breastfeeding is the belief they do not have enough milk, often because their baby feeds frequently/more than other babies.
• Jackie Kent and The Hartmann Lactation Research group in the University of WA looked at many mothers and infants from the ages of 1-6 months and found that there were great variations of normal! For example once a baby is growing well a breastfed baby may feed anywhere from 4-13 times in 24 hours, boys do eat more than girls, and yes it is very normal for babies to feed at night, with 2/3rds of all babies drinking 20% of their milk between 10pm and 4am!

There is a lovely downloadable infographic that explaining all the research here.

One thing about the morning that I particularly enjoyed was hearing about how Medela is charitably contributing towards supporting Bangladeshi mothers to breastfeed for longer. There is a high morbidity and mortality rate in the country due mainly to early cessation of breastmilk feeding and the introduction of infant formula combined with poor sanitation. Medela Australia have donated pumps and have a volunteer on the ground working to educate families and employers about breastfeeding, expressing, cup feeding and providing so much more ongoing support. Due to limited maternity leave, mothers in Bangladesh often return to work once their babies are two months old, and with up to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week.

I feel privileged that I have had eight uninterrupted months at home with Jimmy, and so much help and assistance to breastfeed him. I am proud that I have provided for my baby and nourished him so well. Of course, any way a mother chooses to feed her child is fabulous, but for me and this baby, this is what works for us.

Thanks to Medela, I have a $50 Medela voucher to giveaway to one lucky With A Fork reader. To enter, leave a comment below telling me the most valuable advice you would give to a new mother.

Entries open Tuesday 23 June 2015 and close Tuesday 30 June 2015 at 7.00pm AEST. Entry is open to Australian residents only. Prize will be delivered by Medela, With A Fork takes no responsibility for prize delivery. If I do not hear back from the winner within two days of notification, the prize will be redrawn. ONE entry per person please. This competition is in no way endorsed, promoted or administered by Facebook. 

Good luck!

Taking time out

I took part in the Sustainababy "Take Time Out" eco challenge during January to be mindful about taking time out for myself. Before children, I used to think that I was much too selfish to be a mother. Give up travel? Work? Buying expensive things - shoes, clothes, gadgets - on a whim? Please! However, even before I felt those first Ellie kicks in my tummy I was dropped right down my priority list. When Jimmy was born, I dropped down again. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my babies.

I gladly switched to part time work (no work right now as I'm still on maternity leave, ha!) to care for my children and family. I use cloth nappies with all the washing, folding and sorting that involves. I meal plan, cook, clean, and also manage to blog, all the while making sure my children are stimulated and adored. To make up for my reduced work hours and therefore income, I'm frugal and eco friendly where possible too.

Unfortunately, all that doing of things for them leaves precious little time for me. So this challenge was one that I gladly got on board with, eager to carve out some small pockets of time just to prioritise and focus on me and my 'needs'. I say needs in inverted commas because the older I get, the less I find I need, and really, I just have a lot of wants.

Carving out time alone though, I found especially hard to do, as Jimmy still feeds erratically after his tie revisions, and flat out refuses to take a bottle of my milk, so I had to plan quite precisely.

Here are some of the small things I did this month to take some time out and recharge my batteries.

• When the children went to bed and the house was clean enough for me not to go crazy in the morning, I went to bed too and got some extra sleep in before the overnight feeds. Sure, I felt like a nana going to bed at 7pm, but I woke up a new woman and coped much better with the night time wake ups.

• I consciously made an effort to make some tea during the day and actually take the time to sit down and drink it while it was hot! For extra points, I made it in a dainty little cup to make it extra special. Sometimes I even ate it with a lactation cookie on the side. I'm a wild one!

• A few times, after a long night up feeding the nursing, I just couldn't face the day and all I was 'supposed' to get done. So I popped him into a wrap and promptly took us out for a piece of pecan pie (or something). Suddenly, all was right in the world again. Example of deliciousness consumed below.

• I went to brunch with my mothers group. This was an exercise in military precision to line up with Jimmy's feeds and I actually had him on the boob right up until I left the house so he would be cheerful while I was out. It was worth it, a ladies brunch was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries. 

• Baked bread. Sure, this benefits everyone, but there is nothing like taking a bit of time to feed the starter and take a bit of frustration out when working the dough... with the added benefit of delicious fresh bread smell wafting around the house!

• I gave myself permission to take a 'day off'. So I didn't hustle to do laundry or clean or cook. I just stayed in bed with Jimmy and indulged in chatting to him and admiring those lovely chunky limbs of his!

How do you take time out for yourself to recharge your batteries?

Post tongue and lip tie, a timeline

For the first part of Jimmy's tongue tie diagnosis and revision, see here

Last time I talked about tongue tie, it was one week post revision, and things were still tough.

Week two:
It still hurts to nurse, Jimmy clamps on me and still has horrible suck blisters. Although the revision sites under his tongue and top lip are healed beautifully, we still have lots of tie symptoms despite doing rigorous stretches and following all post care instructions.

Two weeks after revision, I couldn't take the pain anymore, and at 2am in the morning, I emailed a private lactation consultant to come and see if she could offer any additional tips to get Jimmy to have a deeper latch. Luckily, I was able to find one who had an interest in tongue tie, and she was able to fit me in within a couple of days. I guess they're used to dealing with stressed out mothers who need help sooner rather than later.

Week three:

The consultant was lovely. She gave me some attachment tips, and it was great to have someone to chat to and be told that we were doing all the right things, even though there wasn't an immediate improvement. Sometimes, that's all I need to hear as a mama - that I'm doing a good job, that I'm doing all I can, that my baby is fine and that someone is willing to help me.

The bad news was that she thought he had further ties, which was why his latch was still bad and his muscle tone and suck ability were a bit woeful. I have to be honest, my heart just dropped. I don't think I could do it again, the stretches and the healing process is brutal. I felt like I was back at square one with the feeding process, as it was like having a new born again and training them how to feed properly.

I got in contact with the dentist who did Jimmy's revisions and told them what the consultant and the physiotherapist had said, as the physio also thought Jimmy was making slow progress and was still tight with low muscle tone. The dentist was a little cranky that I was questioning her work I thought, but still fit us in, which was nice of her, especially in the before Christmas rush. I just wanted to know what I was in for... but I am one of those people who need to know where I stand so I can take action.

The dentist stated there were definitely no further ties. She observed a feed, and wouldn't you know it, Jimmy latched perfectly and fed like an absolute angel with no fussing, no clamping and no spitting. The stinker! I was told that he just has a short tongue and that continuing with his stretches and exercises would help.

It was also suggested by the lactation consultant at the dentist, that Jimmy was feeding so often because he could. Like, he was snacking constantly and therefore never getting a full tummy because he had access to milk on demand. I was told to try wearing him (already on that!) and to have Mr Fork settle Jimmy after a feed so he couldn't smell milk on me and want more feeding because of that.

Dark eye bags are so 2015

Obviously, I should feed him if he is screaming, but really it's clear that he is having no shortage of milk, and is doing really well and looking healthy. I'll say - I have tendonitis in my wrists from having to hold him up to feed all the time!!

Week four:
We are pushing through. While the revision was not the immediate improvement that I wanted, it has made life easier and I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. Jimmy is just lovely... and if I have to breastfeed him exclusively because he won't take a bottle... well, he is likely my last baby and I will enjoy the special bonding time we get. If I have to wake to feed him every two, three or four hours? It won't last forever and then he won't want me anymore and I'll miss that too no doubt. I will just live in the here and now and enjoy the moments.

My Christmas elves - it's obvious he's growing beautifully!

Week five:

If I am fair, there are probably more good latches than bad now. However, we still wake and feed quite frequently, and I still have to often correct his latch mid feed. Despite trying multiple bottle types, Jimmy still can't take one so I'm still the only food source, which is a little frustrating for me. Mr Fork feels he doesn't get to bond with Jimmy the way he did with Ellie as he does not get to feed him - nappy changing and burping aren't the same as providing food I know. I admit it would be lovely to get a little extra sleep or be able to go out alone for a little while without the pressure of needing to feed him too.

I do have to say that Jimmy is still continuing to gain weight beautifully and meet all his developmental milestones. This is partly because my supply is still hormone driven and so rather plentiful without him having to work for it... and partially because we feed so often that he gets his nutrients regardless! Look how smiley he is!

Its been suggested to me that most revisions take at least 6 weeks to recover from, which makes sense really. The later they are done, the longer the recovery too - you are essentially training new muscles and creating new neural pathways, which naturally takes time. I'm holding out for that six week mark, but honestly, if we are one of those duos that don't get a 'perfect' breastfeeding relationship post revision, at least it is 'good enough'. I know that I will have tried everything I could.  No one could ask for more.

Let's talk tongue and lip tie

Fair warning. This post is about breastfeeding. I talk about my nipples. There are pictures of my crying child because that's how I could best photograph his tongue. If that's not your thing, feel free not to read this post and maybe read about my kitchen instead :)

I've mentioned that with parenting the second time around, you just know when things aren't right. So I just knew that feeding little Jimmy wasn't going right. Sure, he was gaining weight. In fact, one month post birth he was over a kilogram heavier than birth weight. That's great! Not so great however, was convincing people that something wasn't right, because they all pointed out he was putting on weight and having the appropriate number of nappy changes.

Still... feeding took forever. He slept poorly, waking on a 1.5-2 hour cycle, around the clock. He was constantly gassy, and dribbling milk. My poor nipples were sore and bruised and little Jimmy's mouth was one big blister from gripping onto me for dear life. I'd had his mouth checked at the hospital before discharge and was told he looked fine and his latch seemed good if a little shallow. I never seemed to be able to get him to flange his lips or open as wide as I thought he should to latch on. When he cried, his little tongue would cup up and not poke out much at all.

At two weeks, I reached out to our community health feeding clinic, who watched a feed and told me I was doing everything right from a mechanical perspective. Of all the people I'd seen and asked about feeding, this lactation consultant was the only person who felt around in Jimmy's mouth and diagnosed him with a posterior tongue tie, which was also confirmed at my home midwife visit when I asked her. However I was advised that since he was gaining well, it likely didn't need treatment, and my sore nipples were normal newborn feeding side effects.

I'd never heard of tongue tie before to be honest. I googled the heck out of it, and joined support groups online. It made me feel better to know there were other people going through what I was going through - the sleepless nights, the painful nursing, all while hearing there was no problem "because baby is gaining weight"!

Captured! A sleeping moment

For me though, the pain was awful. My nipples would come out misshapen and I'd dread the next feed. I found a local dentist who was passionate about tongue tie and specialised in laser tongue-tie surgery. I scheduled a consultation and treatment as soon as possible - Jimmy would be five weeks old before we could be seen. Knowing I had that appointment kept me sane... ticking off the days until I could get help meant I was able to get through all those feeds.

The day of the appointment arrived and I have never felt such relief. Someone listened to me and sympathised with all my symptoms. Jimmy was diagnosed with a class IV tongue tie and a class III lip tie, which commonly occur together. Releasing the ties would help our nursing relationship, and further, would decrease the likelihood of future issues such as speech and eating problems, cavities and orthodontic work which are common disorders associated with tongue tie.

Jimmy was taken away and we were asked to step outside so that we didn't hear his reaction to the treatment and I could nurse him calmly afterwards (infants who are breastfeeding are typically revised without anaesthesia). I'm told he was swaddled and held tightly while the dentist used the laser, and that my Jimmy didn't cry at all. All up it took maybe five minutes maximum, and then I was taken to a quiet room, Jimmy was placed in my arms and we breastfed under the direction of the dentist (herself a mum and strong breastfeeding advocate) and a lactation consultant.

Before and after - look how high that tongue goes and how far the mouth opens now!

That first feed... what can I say. I'd always been told that breastfeeding was painless and pleasant. Although I fed Ellie for nine months, I can honestly say it was never completely pain free, but I grew to enjoy it. With Jimmy, I finally got what everyone meant. He latched beautifully, he drained my breast and I fed him without pain. And then... miracle... he slept, for three hours. And that night, he slept in three hour cycles, which meant, for the first time in FIVE weeks... so did I. Do you hear that? I slept longer than an hour. I felt like a new woman.

One week post procedure, it's still rough I'll be honest. We do some manual therapy to complement the release, because Jimmy needs to relearn how to use his mouth and nurse 'correctly' as opposed to coasting along off my let down and gripping me with his gums. We've been given exercises to do to improve his suck and help him develop muscles that he hadn't been using before. Essentially he is re-wiring his brain and learning new ways to control this extra movement he suddenly has, which is pretty amazing really.

Doing the stretches to make sure his ties don't reattach is heartbreaking. Constantly correcting his latch is frustrating, and knowing he is in pain is awful. We are getting there though. We still have bad feeds, but we also have good feeds as well. Just like we have good sleeps and bad ones where he is back to his 1.5 hour cycle. He is gradually starting to sleep longer though (hallelujah!) and he is much less windy because he is latching better and therefore swallowing less air. My nipples still get sore and he still has nursing blisters, but I'm confident that will improve as his muscle tone and mouth strength improve, especially as we continue with the physiotherapy and work with a lactation consultant.

It's hard having a growth-spurt, post surgery cranky baby and a highly energetic and attention hungry toddler, but this is where baby wearing comes in handy. I do adore snuggles and the little snores that happen when he falls asleep against my chest.

Snuggles for the win!

Tongue tie is a contentious issue I've found. Some medical providers don't believe they affect feeding. Some believe if you came poke out your tongue (Jimmy could) there is no issue, failing to consider a posterior, sub mucosal tie might be present. These sorts of ties can only be felt with a manual examination and often cause many feeding problems initially as the tongue doesn't reach the roof of the mouth for efficient drainage. They can be hard to diagnose as some babies continue to gain weight coasting along off initial good supply and strong let downs. Apparently, with the increase in formula feeding, lots of medical people stopped learning about tongue ties, but now that breastfeeding is increasing, a lot more ties are needing attention - after all, a bottle doesn't complain of pain.

I don't blame the medical people I saw at all, but what I did learn from this experience is to trust your instincts... if you don't get the answers you need, continue to seek help because no one knows your baby like you do.

Recipe: Peanut Butter Lactation Cookies

Breastfeeding is hungry work. My Jimmy is a hungry little milk monster and feeds regularly at two hour intervals or thereabouts. Which is fine(ish) during the day but not so fun at night, let me tell you. It's not all his fault though - we are going through a growth spurt, so cluster feedings are normal and expected. He doesn't have the best latch and exhausts himself with the effort of extracting milk (oh to be a newborn!) and therefore feeds (much) more frequently as he isn't filling up as much as he could at each opportunity.

Anyway, ramblings aside, breastfeeding is hungry work. I like to make sure I have snacks and plenty of water handy, and if they're going to boost my milk supply and make it easier for little Jim to chunk up, by all means point me at the food! I concocted these peanut butter cookies as an experiment, and it's been a bit of a challenge not to hoover them all up at once. They aren't the prettiest but they taste nice and serve their purpose.

Peanut Butter Lactation Cookies

printable link

Ingredients:

• 1 cup peanut butter (other nut butter substitutions are fine - I used some almond, brazil and cashew butter too)
• ½ cup agave nectar
• ¼ cup flax meal + ½ cup water
• 1 cup flour (you could be fancy and use coconut, spelt, buckwheat etc, but plain will also do)
• ½ cup rolled oats 
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 2-3 tbsp brewers yeast 
• 1 tsp vanilla essence
• ½ cup milk (I used soy)

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180C and prepare your cookie trays.
2. Combine flax meal with water. Allow to rest until it is goopy and most of the water has been absorbed. 
3. In a mixing bowl, combine flour, oats, baking powder, and brewers yeast.
4. Once the flax mixture is ready, add it and all the remaining ingredients to the flour mixture.
5. Stir well to combine. Add more milk in tablespoon increments, if necessary. (Coconut flour in particular is prone to soaking up liquids)
6. Once a dough has formed, use a tablespoon (or thereabouts) to roll into balls and place on tray.
7. Flatten each ball slightly before placing in the oven.
8. Bake for 10 minutes. Allow to cool.

Notes:

• These would be delicious with chocolate chips or nuts added I think
• I skipped the flattening step as Jimmy woke up and was crying, so my cookies didn't flatten much. I don't mind, they look rustic and taste the same anyway

What's your favourite go-to snack?

Surviving life with a newborn

I'm not even going to sugarcoat it - life with a newborn is hard! There are emotional swings from low to high and back again. You run on little to no sleep. Better still, if you have other children, they don't understand that you're tired and they still want the same amount of attention. Same with the husband because he gets to sleep through while you're up breastfeeding so wakes up fresh as a daisy. It's exhausting, repetitive, and honestly, under appreciated by everyone except your baby. Luckily, I've pulled together a list of survival tips that help me get through!

1. Have a support network. Whether this is other mums, Facebook groups, a friend on speed dial, your partner... whoever. Have a network in place so you have somewhere to vent, chat, ask advice, and get some social interaction.

I tell you, having a friend who has also recently had a baby to chat to has saved my sanity! Even better if some of that support is online so you can scroll/read/chat while you're up overnight feeding and settling the baby.

Night time feeds and settling go faster with a phone in hand for selfies and support!

2. Prepare meals and snacks in advance. I'm not just talking about for outings here, but I'm talking about for the times when everyone is the house is bone-deep tired. Or when the spouse has gone back to work and there is no one to whip up something to eat while you're trapped under a hungry babe. You can rummage around in the fridge or freezer and unearth something relatively healthy and nutritious without having to resort to the takeaway pizza option again.

3. If people offer to help out, let them. Honestly. There is no shame in that - you have a newborn, you are allowed to have a messy house, accumulated laundry and an empty pantry. But if someone genuinely offers a hand, take it without guilt - and be specific, for example:

 "It would be great if you could bring me a loaf of bread and some milk on your way over. Oh ok, and a Malteaser Reindeer as well, thanks."

 "Would you mind holding and distracting the baby while I nap for 15 minutes."

 "Yes I'd love some of your delicious home made cookies since you're kindly offering."

 "You made me mushroom risotto? You shouldn't have! But I'm glad you did... now excuse me while I start eating it already..."

4. Distract the toddler. My toddler has the best of helpful intentions but sometimes things go awry. I don't want to keep her from her baby brother but she needs to learn to stop waking him, or trying to share her bottle of milk while I'm feeding him. Distraction is key here. I ask her to read me a story. To fetch something for me. Whether she would like me to scratch her back or give her a cuddle. To make me a (pretend) cup of tea. She is happy and attended to, I get a few minutes of respite. If all else fails, I send her and Mr Fork off on a daddy/daughter outing. This obviously does not suffice when he is back at work and I'm on my own though...

5. Connect with your partner. I totally get touched out on a daily basis. I have Jimmy on me all the time, and Ellie attached for a good part of each day and night too. I realise though, that poor Mr Fork needs attention also so I make a mammoth effort to snuggle with him, to chat about topics that aren't the children and to generally let him know that I appreciate all he does to help me. Even if he does get to peacefully snore while I'm up hourly with Jim each night... I acknowledge that he does bring me coffee and breakfast in bed, and he distracts Ellie so Jimmy sleeps peacefully while I get to eat it.

6. Take time for yourself. It's been hot in Brisbane lately. So hot. Jimmy is constantly snacking and cluster feeding, so there is definitely sweat, stale milk smell and a general feeling that I'm over having a babe attached at the end of each day. So when Mr Fork takes pity on me and pries James from my chest you better believe I bolt for the shower and lock the door before Ellie can follow. I leisurely wash my hair, scrub my face, shave my legs and because I'm a mum I scrub the shower too. It is seriously the best 5 touch free minutes of my life, and I emerge human, re-energised and enthusiastic once again, and ready to be reattached to the infant. Do something like that. Make a hot chocolate. Have tea. Go outside and walk around barefoot in the garden... just escape for a few minutes and take some me-time when the opportunity presents itself.

7. Babywear. Seriously. Sometimes, I just can't figure out what Jimmy wants. He is fed. His nappy is changed. He's been burped, he is not tired, but he just won't settle. Baby wearing to the rescue. He is just about 3 weeks old now and perfectly happy in both the ring sling and a wrap, as long as he is wrapped on mama.

Sakura bloom twilight ring sling gets the shopping done

I also think that it helps with his digestion (I mentioned his lip/tongue tie previously, well it makes him a little gassy and uncomfortable after a feed). In fact, in the interest of sharing, here's a picture of how I am writing this blog post, with Jimmy happily wrapped against me. He gets to snuggle, I get to move away from my room and get things done around the house. Win, win!

Didymos Inka in FWCC gets the blog post written

What are your tips for surviving life with a new born?

5 ways the second baby is different from your first

I've got to be honest - Jimmy is a good baby. I hope I haven't jinxed myself saying that, but it's true. He's very zen and chilled out, and really, I'm just relaxed and enjoying him. Of course, he is snoozing in the ring sling against my chest as I type this, so it could be the sleep deprived mama hormones talking... but I think not.

Before he came, I worried and questioned.  Would love him as much as I loved Ellie? How would Ellie adjust to being a big sister? How would I cope with two? Is breastfeeding going to be as hard this time around?

Turns out all of that worry and fretting was unnecessary. Yes, the first days are hard, getting used to sleep deprivation and cluster feeding and adjusting the family dynamic. There are definite silver linings though, so here are my thoughts on ways the second child is different from the first.

1. You've done it all before, so you know what 'normal' feels like

Yes, I complained that doctors were treating me like I knew what I was doing during pregnancy and labour because I'd done it all of once before. In reality though, you know what you're doing. Or should I say, you know what normal is and you know when it's just not right.

I pushed for extra testing when I got itchy because I knew what cholestasis felt like the first time around. I argued not to be sent home from the labour ward because I knew I gave birth quickly and I didn't want to do it on the roadside. I did not feel guilty asking for extra assistance or help in hospital, and for making use of all the available resources and knowledge there.

I got help for feeding early because I knew it wasn't right despite being told by several health professionals that everything was fine.

I've done it before, so I know what does and doesn't feel right. I'm also not afraid to speak up and ask for help or second opinions.

2. You know that it won't hurt them to cry for 2 seconds while you dash to the toilet

With Ellie, every little cry she made, I was in there. Is she cold, is she wet, does she smell, should I feed her? She owned me, which is not a bad thing at all. However, when it came time to choose her over the toilet for example, I would pick her and rock in silent discomfort (wouldn't dare to wake the sleeping babe) while my bladder nearly burst. Now, I know that Jimmy will be just fine while I dash off quickly. After all, I'm sure he'd much rather have a happy and comfortable mama when we settle in for those marathon feeding sessions he's so fond of.

3. Excretion is funnier

I have never been peed on so much in my life. Or pooped on come to think of it. Little boys seem so much more explosive. Just taking the nappy off Jimmy appears to be code for 'yes please, even though you've clearly just weed, aim some more my way'. Mr Fork and I had both forgotten how much newborns poop, and we've both made the mistake of taking off the nappy before he's done... cue screams of anguish as we get covered in streams of warm excrement. I'll be honest, I laughed hysterically when it happened to Mr Fork the first time. Not so hilarious when it was my turn (but still funny).

Cue stripping down the change table, the baby and gingerly removing our own outfits over our head and bolting to the shower. Spit up just seems so passé and normal now... oh, you've vomited down my back? That's ok, at least it wasn't poop....

4. It's lovely to see your older child with the new baby

Ellie could not be a better big sister. There is so much love there, and it really does bring a tear to my eye when she interacts with her baby brother (damn postnatal hormones). We made sure to include her in the pregnancy as much as possible, she talked to her baby brother in utero, came to appointments with me, we read books and tried to prepare her as much as possible to be a big sister.

She has taken to it beautifully - when Jimmy cries she gets frantic and runs to check on him, screaming 'Baby James, sad!'. When I'm feeding she wants to sit close and touch his head, or lifts her shirt to feed her baby too. She is always asking to hold him on her lap and loves nothing more than to rub his back to help him burp. There is no jealousy, and I often have to stop her from 'sharing' (read, throwing) her toys at his head as he sleeps. What would be awesome though? If there was a little less love at (the frequent) bed times so Jimmy could actually sleep instead of being woken constantly by a loving big sister.

My fears that I might not love Jimmy as much as Ellie? Groundless. I loved him the second I held him, and I don't love Ellie any less. Although, now that I have a newborn, she appears to be a giant in comparison!

5. You appreciate night time snuggles more

With a second child, your attention is split during the day. I can't give James the individual attention that Ellie got as a newborn. Toddlers are demanding and attention seeking little people. No matter how tired I am and how zombie like I feel after being up all night feeding, I make sure to spend time with Ellie, snuggling, reading or baking while he sleeps. I pack up Jimmy into a sling or wrap and we take Ellie to the park or the library and make sure that she doesn't resent this new little human who makes such demands on mama and daddy's time.

So, night time is my time with Jimmy. It's when I can stroke his silky head, inhale that unique new born smell, feel his little hands clutching me, and just enjoy the feeling that I made this tiny human and he will call me mama. We just enjoy our time together, he and I, without anyone else demanding their share of my attention. Sure, I'd love more sleep. Sure, I'm like a zombie in the mornings, but they're only little for so long, and years later I won't remember the sleep I didn't get, but I will hold those new baby snuggles in my heart forever.

By the way, I struggled a bit with what to title this post. Fun? Better? Chilled? Finally I settled on different. I guess I just wanted to compare going from one to two children in a positive sort of way.

How was your second (or subsequent) baby different to the first?

Recipe: Apple oatmeal muffins

With a new baby in the house, it takes a lot of energy to keep up. When you add a toddler into the mix who is in turns enthusiastic about her new brother, and cross because she is no longer the centre of attention, it's a bit of a volatile mix. I'm well aware that Ellie is experiencing feelings of neglect and loneliness, so I make a big effort no matter how tired I am to spend time with her and let her know she is loved.

Part of that is continuing on with our mama/daughter baking tradition. With the large box of fruit we had available, we decided a fruity baking effort was called for. I decided that it should be something that would help enhance mama milk supplies, so what better to make than an apple oatmeal concoction?

Super easy, delicious, very forgiving in terms of ingredients and both toddler and mama approved! While I have called these apple muffins, they could quite easily be any other type of fruit as well.

Apple oatmeal muffins

printable link

Ingredients:

• 1 cup flour (I used wholemeal)
• 1 ½ tsp baking  powder
• 1 cup rolled oats (milk boosting qualities!)
• 1 cup 'milk' (I've made these with both oat and soy options)
• 2 tbsp  raw sugar
• 1/3 cup oil (I used coconut)
• fruit (I grated two small green apples, skin on) 

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180C and prepare your muffin tray.
2. Mix all the ingredients together. The mixture will be quite thick. Spoon into your tray and bake 10 - 15 minutes.

Notes:

• Other fruit options could include grated  or chopped pear, apple, banana, berries, nectarine, peach, strawberry, cinnamon, apple and rhubarb, coconut - use your imagination! 
• Any type of flour, milk, oil and fruit can be used - I have listed what I used but feel free to experiment.
• For extra milk boosting qualities, I also added two tablespoons of brewers yeast to my mixture. I don't think that this impacted the flavour at all.

What's in my kitchen, November 2014

In my kitchen is...

Bunches of flowers galore! Leaving work to go on maternity leave flowers and congratulations on the birth of Attila flowers. The house smells amazing and I light up every time I have to walk into that kitchen (which is a good thing, as I am tired, sleep deprived but also glowing with new mama happiness)

In my kitchen is...

A Sodastream play, which is patiently awaiting some attention. It is still in it's box because I haven't had the time or energy to get it out yet, but I am really looking forward to soda water on demand, reducing my eco footprint with the copious amounts of store bought soda water bottles and experimenting with delicious flavours. Shiraz cordial flavoured soda perhaps?

In my kitchen is...

An enormous box of fruit. This box was full to the top with locally grown apples, oranges, pears and mandarins. My father bought it for us because he thought it was something easy to snack on with the new baby in the house, and that Mr Fork and Ellie could easily help themselves. I need to start thinking up ways to use the fruit before it spoils though, so I'm thinking muffins, pies, cookies, juices and maybe even using some of the juice to make up more ice blocks for Ellie.

In my kitchen is...

Delicious vegan chocolate muffins, recipe courtesy of Kari from Bite-sized thoughts. She recently posted these up and I was immediately taken with them, and co-incidentally, Ellie had also recently gone off apple purees. Since I like to stock up on things when I see them on sale, I have lots of puree, and these muffins were crying out to be made. Also, Ellie and I needed some mama/daughter bonding time, so while the baby slept, we whipped up these little morsels, and then had the pleasure of snacking on them afterward. Everyone wins!

In my kitchen is...

Various things to increase milk supply, because, newborns are quite the little milk monsters!! I have breastfeeding tea which is a delicious blend of fennel, fenugreek, lemon balm, aniseed and caraway. I also have two flavours of Franjo's Kitchen tanker topper biscuits, in choc chip and fig and almond variety. The fig and almond one is more than a little bit scrumptious!

I am linking this post in with Fig Jam and Lime Cordial's monthly In My Kitchen event. Go have a peek through other kitchens around the globe!

What's in your kitchen this month?

Attila is here!!

Shortly after posting this photo on Instagram last week, complaining about how I was the most pregnant I had ever been and how uncomfortable I was, my waters broke. Maybe some of those bringing on labour methods worked?

A quick call to Mr Fork at work, some organising of care for Ellie and we were off to the hospital post haste (I tend to have short labours).

A few hours later, this scrumptious little man was born. Look what I made! Welcome Attila (now formally Jimmy)! Who knew that tummy was hiding a big 7lb 7oz baby? Not me... everything I'd packed for him to wear in hospital was too small. His sister was 5lb 12oz, so that's what I was going on. No wonder I was waddling around! Almost a whole kilogram of extra baby this time!!

Now excuse me. I have precious newborn cuddles to sneak in, a fresh baby head to sniff, endless feeding to do and much sleep to catch up on...

Breastfeeding, what I've learnt so far

* Disclaimer this post is sponsored by Medela.

I've written before about my breastfeeding experience with Ellie.

I won't lie. The first time around we stopped breastfeeding way earlier than I wanted to. I wanted to be that mama who fed easily. I thought it was something that came naturally, that you just instinctively knew what to do. For me, that wasn't the case. We had a toe curling, painful and rocky start. There were latch issues and apparent supply issues. There was sore nipples and mastitis bouts. There was conflicting advice from midwives, lactation consultants and my GP. Lots of tears (both hers and mine). What with pumping, feeding, and a delicious recipe for vegan lactation cookies, we managed to keep at it for nine months, during which time I also returned to work and she also started day care.

Also, I won't sugar coat it. Some of my nicest early memories are of breastfeeding. Of gazing into her eyes, of smelling that sweet baby smell, of tiny hands patting me as she feeds. The utter contentment of those late nights when she and I seemed to be all alone in the world. I missed that when we stopped. So much more than I thought I would. There were more tears (from me this time). After I stopped feeding, I still had a decent supply of milk frozen that we'd finished off by the time she turned one. In spite of how she was fed, and the angst I gave to the whole process, Ellie has thrived. I'm grateful for all the help and (good) advice I received and I want to state that I support feeding your baby however works best for you.

My hand looks really old here

Having said that, I intend to give breastfeeding a red hot go with Attila. This time around, I'm better informed, more practiced and know where to go if I need help.

Recently, I attended a morning tea with Medela. I used their products the first time around with Ellie (hello, marvellous shields and swing breast pump!) and we've got a few bottles as well. This morning tea was fabulous. We talked about what is normal is breastfeeding. Please, if you take anything from this post know that there is no normal! There is no 'correct' set of rules and know that the breastfeeding relationship will change as your baby grows and has different nutritional needs. What works one week might need to be changed the next. Babies can have variable breastfeeding sessions, durations and speed as they grow.

The best advice I can give based on my experiences?

• Go in with a positive attitude. Your baby can sense if you are stressed and that will stress them too.
• Drink plenty of water. You aren't just hydrating you, you're using that water to make milk. Trust me, you will get very thirsty. Go with it. Also, eat. Even if you are too tired, eat.
• A support network makes all the difference. Someone to encourage you when it hurts, cheer you on when it works and help out with answers to your many questions. You might have multiple support people, and that will help immensely. Don't be afraid to ask questions and find your own cheer squad.

Medela provides real solutions for breastfeeding mothers to get over any hurdles in the early days and to support their long term breastfeeding goals. Through its extensive range of breast pump products and other breastfeeding products, Medela is committed to promoting the benefits of breast milk and encouraging long term breastfeeding. For more information visit: www.medela.com.au  or say hello on www.facebook.com/medela.au

 

I for Intuition

When I was small, I thought that my mother was magic. If I was hurt, she could make it all better with a kiss and she seemed to have eyes in the back of her head… she just knew when I was up to no good! Now that I'm a mother myself, I realise that my mother was probably just as scared as I was half the time. That she couldn't magically make things better but the simple act of her acknowledging my hurt usually took most of the sting away. That I wasn't half as good as lying to her as I thought I was and she didn't even need a second set of eyes to catch me out.

Ellie often thinks she is being discrete when she does something, but discretion couldn't be further from the truth. I'm teaching her to play hide and seek at the moment, and sometimes her idea of hiding is to turn her back on me. I guess the old "if she can't see me, I can't see her" trick!

Anyway, the point of this post is intuition. Strange as it may seem, mamas just have it. I don't know when it turns up, probably about the same time as the hormones. When I was still pregnant, I just knew I was having a girl. Mr Fork was certain it was a boy, but I knew my Ellie bean was in there.

When she was just a few days old, we had been home from hospital for two days. I still didn't have the feeding down yet, and she was so new that she didn't have a routine, so nothing stood out, but I just knew something wasn't right. We ended up in hospital. She had very bad jaundice and they ended up having to intubate her and feed her through her nose. It was heartbreaking to see her looking so tiny and helpless and attached to machines under that blue light. We spent several nights back in the children's hospital but I'm so glad I followed my gut and took her there. She's been to hospital since then, but that first time was especially wrenching.

Mr Fork and I have a fairly relaxed parenting style. We basically follow Ellie's cues – if she's hungry, thirsty, tired, wants affection or help, she lets us know. Some things though, she can't cue us into, because she doesn't understand yet. And that's also where the intuition kicks in. Maybe it's because she and I shared a body for 9 months that it happens. When she was small, I just knew when she needed feeding, or comfort. If she was about to wake up, often I could be there just as she was wriggling around to look for me. Mr Fork sometimes says I'm coddling her, but I don't think of it like that. I think of it as giving her support until she's confident to do things her own way.

Sometimes, I think parents can get into the mindset that doctors, daycare people, teachers and other people know best because they deal with children all the time/had children before/speak loudest. I say, no one knows your baby better than you do. Especially when they can't talk yet, we need to listen to them (however they communicate) as well as to our intuition.

I'm happy for people to give me advice, but I will choose which of that advice I listen to. The person who counts, the person who knows best, is Ellie. She tells me what she needs to be a cheerful, thriving and confident person. I think she's doing it fabulously!

Do you trust your intuition?

G for Gift Giving (for new mamas)

With Ellie's first birthday recently, I started reminiscing on where I was and what I was doing a year ago. It got me started on thinking about those first days after she was born – just how tired I was, and how tentative I was and how scary looking after my brand new daughter was. Some memories really stood out for me. I admit that I did a few things that with hindsight I wouldn't do again:

• We had guests and visitors galore, both at home and hospital, and those were frantic and hectic times instead of being a calm period spent getting to know Ellie. I would tell people to leave us alone for a few days
• I was stressed and I think that translated into lots of feeding difficulties as Ellie picked up on that. I would have been much more calm and zen had I been able
• When visitors did come, I didn't tell them when would suit me and let them come whenever. I ran around after them, getting them tea and letting them hold the baby – what I should have done was let them wait on me and accepted their (genuine) offers of help.

Gratuitous Ellie shot

All of this came to mind again as I've been invited to a baby shower in a few weeks and I'm pondering what to get the mama. You'd think having done it myself I'd have some ideas but I want to make sure I get her something useful.

 

I've already spoken about Mr Fork and my gift giving ideas for Ellie before, but I have some more ideas and baby related gift thoughts based on what I know now and what I would have wanted back then:

• If you visit a new mama, do not go empty handed. Those early days are scary, and you barely have time to think. Take her a home cooked meal, preferably one that can be eaten one handed. Pack her a few extra meals for the freezer if you're feeling generous. Or some snacks for when she's ravenous but can't leave the baby.
• If you genuinely want to help, that's a gift in itself. If someone had offered to hold Ellie while I had a quick shower, or used the bathroom or even had a 15 minute catnap I would have been delighted! I would have kissed the hand of someone who offered to put on a load of laundry, vacuum my floor or even just do a quick tidy of my kitchen.
• The friend who gave me a bag of baby essentials at my baby shower was onto a good thing. She gave me things based on what she knew I'd need, not just a bunch of cute things for baby. Her bag had panadol, nurofen, a bottle, a bottle cleaner, a little rattle, nipple cream, baby wash, powder, Eukybear rub… and so many other things I didn't know I'd need until I needed them! Don't get me wrong, I loved everything we got for Ellie, but really, she grows so fast did she need eleventy-billion dresses? Probably not. Especially when she lived in onesies…
• Something for mama. Not for right away of course, but when she's back in a routine. When you're pregnant, you're the centre of attention. People check your weight, constantly ask how you're feeling and gosh, even give up a seat on the bus for you. As soon as you have that baby, you're second fiddle, and it's a little bit odd. The doctor asks about baby, not you. Hospital is all about caring for the tiny human, no word for the person who grew them. So let mama know she's loved. Get her a spa voucher. Some tea just for her. Some special hand cream to guard against dryness from all the hand sanitiser.

So what am I going to get my pregnant friend? I'm thinking I'll make her a couple of meals for the freezer. A batch of lactation cookie dough which I'll also freeze ready for her to bake up as required. An eye mask for when those post baby hormones kick in and your eyes swell up from crying. And if I get the time, I might make her a wetbag as I know she's going to use cloth nappies.

 

Share with me, is there something you wish you'd gotten when you had baby? What do you like to give new parents?

B for breast or bottle?

It's an old debate. What's the best way to feed your child? I've written a little about my experience here; so I won't go into it again.

What I will say is that there is no right answer. As long as mama is happy and baby is thriving then it's no one else's business. I will staunchly defend the right of women to feed the way they please. In the location and manner they please.

Having said that, like the scouts, the motto "be prepared" comes to mind. Pre-birth I was convinced I'd breast feed until my child weaned itself. I was therefore a little shocked when at my baby shower I was given a bottle cleaner and a bottle. "Just in case," said my friend (the only friend there who'd actually had a baby). I have to say, her bag of essential baby goodies was a lifesaver. I didn't think to stock up on all the things she included. But I was sure glad at the time to have those supplies. I also learnt that regardless of whether you'll breast or formula feed, bottles come in darn handy for storing expressed milk. And letting someone else feed bub so you can get some sleep (much needed sleep!).

There's a lot of judgement out there. It seems to start as soon as people find out you're pregnant and start offering stories and advice. Then when you have your baby, more advice comes pouring in, welcome or not. I sometimes think fellow mothers are our own worst enemy. Instead of unconditional support for each other there is a lot of judgement for other parenting styles. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world, and sometimes it feels like the least appreciated. What we need is support for whatever choices we make, as long as mama and baby well being is central to those decisions. I always remind myself that Ellie won't remember how she was fed. What she will remember is that she was loved and raised in a healthy and safe environment.

Shhhhh, do you hear that? Blessed night time silence

I'm sure any new parent will agree with me that the first few months with a baby is hard. There are so many new things to get used to, like having a tiny human completely reliant on you for one, but I think the thing that got me the hardest was the sheer lack of sleep. Of course it's expected at the newborn stage, but some eight months in, the lack of sleep is really starting to take a toll.

She has always been a good day sleeper, but with the cold weather lately, Ellie has increased her usual peaceful once a night dream feed to to screaming awake 2-3 times a night with soaking wet nappies and wanting a feed, cuddle and play each time. Obviously, the constant waking up was murdering Mr Fork and I as each time she woke it would take a good hour to get her back to sleep, what with the nappy change, feed, settle etc. She would stand up and scream in her cot for ages afterward and we'd clutch each other in the dark whispering about what we should do next. Finally at about 3am, Mr Fork would bring her into our bed and we'd all doze uncomfortably until it was time to get up.

One wide awake Ellie!

Some internet research pointed at a couple of potential causes. First, her age indicates she's starting to get separation anxiety when anything changes, including a nappy. Or, waking up in a strange room with no mum or dad immediately nearby when they were there when you fell asleep. I suppose when you put yourself in that head space, it's understandable to be sad and scared and want comfort and play when you wake up. Second, being cold apparently makes babies wet nappies more.

Something had to change, and I can tell you, it was not me getting used to waking up rudely three times a night. Instead, we revised and modified our sleeping routine to better help Ellie learn to self settle instead of using my boob, or snuggles as a sleep prop.  She needs to learn that no matter how cranky she gets, she is still going to sleep in her own bed and not ours. I know that many people like to co-sleep but it just doesn't work for us here.

Now, it's a fairly structured routine, to help her get into the habit of knowing that these things mean bed time: bath, quiet play, book, boob, bed. We put her to bed sleepy, but not asleep so that she can re-learn to self settle. During the constant wake ups, Mr Fork got into a nasty habit of letting her fall asleep on his chest while he patted her bum, and then ninja-ed her into her cot without her knowing.

Chest sleeping baby (milk coma helps)

No more.  Now, we dress her warmly (onesie, sleep sack, blankets over the top, heater at the ready for when it's colder), feed her, tell her it's time to sleep and leave her to it. If necessary, we pat her a little then leave the room. She can scream, we simply go in and pat her until she's quiet then leave again.

If she wakes in the middle of the night, we have stopped all but one milk feed as I know that nutritionally she no longer needs as many as she's getting. She gets one (I can't starve my baby, what if she is hungry?!) and then back to bed. She is fed with minimum stimulation - no eye contact, no talking, no cuddles - as utilitarian as I can make it. Once again, in bed she can scream all she likes, I will get up and pat her, but knowing that she is warm and full, no picking up and snuggling. Definitely no bringing her into our bed... I'm looking at you Mr Fork! Any subsequent awakenings - she gets offered water only as I know she's searching for comfort, not food.

Anyway, it was a week of hell at our place - many times I was up and down like a jack in the box with all the patting.  There was much outrage on all sides - Ellie because she wasn't being snuggled and brought into the big bed, mine because I kept catching Mr Fork breaking the guidelines we'd agreed to and Mr Fork wanting to do anything to shut everyone up. Finally though, success!

We had a sleep through, and then another, and let me tell you, I woke up feeling saner than I had in a long time. Bless you, sleep! I'm sure there will still be awakenings, and I can cope with those, but I do hope this is a trend that continues.

A well sleeping bub

What about other mums? Have you had any luck with infant sleeping?